


The Fruit Of All My Grief

by liveyourtemptation



Series: calling yourself everything but the light [1]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Cisco's Powers, Drugs, Earth-2 Adventures, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, everyone is very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 06:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8737708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveyourtemptation/pseuds/liveyourtemptation
Summary: Cisco labels it the 'road trip to hell' in the first ten hours when they have been cramped into the van for too long only going on on coffee and the desperate feeling of hopelessness. In the first few hours they thought it would be like always, not easy but short-lived. Soon they realized that if they didn't find Jesse after two days it might take them a bit longer than a week.





	

Who would have thought it would turn into this. Two days to confront Zoom and rescue Jesse. It was a crazy plan and looking back it doesn't surprise Cisco that they failed. Neither does it surprise him when Harry stops in front of the portal. Of course he is going to stay, of course he can't stop looking for her.

 

And when Barry gives Cisco his Tragic Hero look, he knows that they are going to stay, too. They all suffer from chronic helper syndrome. They have seen the burned out shell of a man that Harry is and decided to take him in, to help him and not even parallel worlds are going to stop them. Cisco knows all that and accepts it with barely a sigh.

 

Barry makes them wait while he flashes through the portal to tell the others. Harry's protest has been weak, he knows them too well to make them change their mind. He has accepted their friendship like it is something threatening yet inescapable. In the five minutes it takes Barry to return with Caitlin there are no words spoken between Cisco and Harry. In the silence Cisco contemplates what this means. If he will ever return to his earth. If he will die in this strange world.

 

Caitlin of course won't be left behind. What would she do without them anyway. They seal the portal. To keep their earth safe. Just as they had planned. They will find their way back. Somehow. Cisco looks at the three of them and thinks that it speaks of their curiosity and the special way all of them are broken that it is so easy for them to leave their home behind. Harry looks at them like he doesn't know what to do with them. What to make of this.

 

In the end Cisco still doesn't think it would turn into this. The four of them roaming the roads of a world so foreign yet unsettling familiar. Cisco labels it the 'road trip to hell' in the first ten hours when they have been cramped into the van for too long only going on on coffee and the desperate feeling of hopelessness. In the first few hours they thought it would be like always, not easy but short-lived. Soon they realized that if they didn't find Jesse after two days it might take them a bit longer than a week. After they had run down every possible lead in Central City they piled into a STAR Labs van to drive to places that matched the description of Cisco's vibes. It is a long shot. But it is all they have.

 

To say the drive is excruciating is to put it mildly. Harry looks worse than ever, like he is finally slipping in some sort of brooding madness that prompts Caitlin to take over the driver's seat at the second rest stop. Putting Barry in a car is worse than putting him in a cage, every mile slowly drifting past him reminding him of how he could do this faster. But they all decided that they won't let Barry just run into Zoom's arms because, as they each tell him with different words, they love him very much and don't want to arrive someplace to find his corpse. So he has to stay with them. And there is a certain sternness lingering in the air around them that makes him comply.

 

So they have Harry and Barry in the backseat – both pointedly staring out of the windows and their bad mood radiating to the front seats where Caitlin and Cisco talk too loud and too fast about trivial stuff, resorting to fight over the control of the music as if they are five. Cisco learns a couple of things about his friends in these hours. 1.) apparently everyone has a stunningly bad taste in music, resulting in Barry and Harry calling for a democratic vote on who's choosing the music and electing Caitlin. 2.) Caitlin has a bad case of road rage and he can see her turning into a version of Killer Frost which is only less scary because she can't actually follow up on her threats to fellow drivers. 3.) Barry snores. That isn't actually a new fact but annoys the hell out of Cisco.

 

They visit one cave situated in a dark, gloomy forest, way too spooky for Cisco. He constantly shivers at the thought of spiders dripping down on him, soft moss under his shoes and the evening sun dipping below the trees. They find nothing – of course. Cisco's vibe hasn't been more descriptive than 'comic book like lair' in what looked like a pretty large cave. So they googled 'pretty large caves' and planned a route. Yeah, very long shot.

 

After that Cisco threatens to get really annoying if they don't find a motel to sleep in soon. Everyone is terrified and within 20 minutes Caitlin pulls into the parking lot of one motel that doesn't look like it is the hide-out of serial killers. Cisco tells them it's for their own good and that he is definitely not ready to become the responsible one. And it isn't a second too soon, Caitlin leaning against Cisco in the reception and falling asleep as soon as her head hits the cushion.

 

Later on Cisco refers to this day as Day 1. He stops counting after 50 days. It is too depressing. They get into a routine. Taking turns for the coffee run in the morning. Not talking on the road. Taking turns deciding where to eat. Cisco and Barry truly become best friends and Cisco is going to fight Iris on this when they return to Earth-1. Books start to appear in the van, a vast collection from scientific research, bad sci-fi novels to (auto)biographies and history books to catch the three foreigners up on Earth-2 and abstract poetry no one admits to buying. When Cisco catches Harry reading one of his Star Wars spin-off novels he decides not to make fun of him in favor of debating character arcs later on.

 

They crawl through so many dirty caves Cisco is surprised they haven't yet stumbled upon a skeleton, or cave paintings or a magic treasure. It's all the same – rocks and sand and bad lightning. No Jesse. They spend their time not in caves or in the van debating different rescue strategies. No one accuses Cisco of being useless, not even Harry. Cisco tries harder and his vibes do get stronger but he still doesn't see more than: a cave.

 

Zoom is bringing mayhem to the rest of Earth-2, apparently furious about being shut off from Earth-1, but he doesn't bother them. They have the theory that he enjoys watching them scramble around like idiots. They feel like idiots. Like idiots sitting in diners drinking bad coffee talking about what's and if's – all hypothetical.

 

Harry uses his vast amounts of money to always get his own room at the motels (Not that he makes them pay for their rooms. Or any of it. Which causes Cisco to call it the 'road trip to hell' sponsored by Harrison Wells. They guess it's Harry's way of saying thank you.), even if there are only two rooms left and Caitlin, Barry and Cisco have to arrange themselves on two beds in a small room. Cisco fears the day when there is only one room left and Harry will make them sleep in the van. So at the end of every day Harry will wave one of them (they take turns) away who come with the offer to come over for a beer or two, and then fold himself in his room like an origami of chosen loneliness to marinate in his despair and sadness or whatever he does there. It's a mystery no one of them really wants to solve.

 

So instead it's Cisco, Barry and Caitlin spending the evenings when they're not so tired they fall asleep instantly orbiting around each other like they are the only planets in their solar system. They spent a lot of time together already but by now Barry knows every story that had happened before he arrived at STAR Labs. They trade childhood stories against drunken adventures and collect secrets like they've got a bonus card and if they collect ten stamps they will win a spatula or something useless like that. They realize that between the three of them they could fill a lot of bonus cards.

 

So it's mostly them and in the next room Harry on his own- Even though most of the time they spend with him together in the same car or in the same diner booth he's still not really there. Cisco doesn't want to disturb Harry's self chosen hermit state, it seems to be working for him, except maybe not but it's really not Cisco's place to tell Harry that. But the vibe has been worrying and there is no harm in knocking on Harry's door to see if everything's alright. Not all of Cisco's vibes turn out to be true (they do) so maybe this one will be bullshit. He's just gonna check in to see if Harry's alright and his room has exactly zero blood spatters on the walls.

 

Harry takes his time coming to the door in which Cisco contemplates getting Barry, maybe even kicking the door in himself (as if), and many similar drastic actions. But Harry does open the door eventually and looks at him annoyed.

 

“Ramon. What?”

 

His complete lack of proper articulation doesn't even upset Cisco, he's just too happy to see Harry in a shirt that definitely needs a wash but not because it's full of blood.

 

“Uh,” Cisco has only prepared for the worst case scenario. “Just wanted to check in. You good?”

 

He cranes his neck to take a look into Harry's room, it's as clean as motel rooms get. Good. Cisco should be satisfied and make a strategic retreat but the picture of Harry covered in blood is still too fresh on his mind. Harry watches him basically rock back and forth on his heels with indecisiveness.

 

“Calm down,” Harry says with something that could be mistaken for worry crossing his face. Then he says, “Come in”, and waves Cisco inside who can't believe what's happening.

 

He enters the room warily feeling like if he doesn't tread lightly the reality will ripple and make place for his vibe. Harry closes the door and goes to the table where his bag lays open. He pokes in it while ignoring Cisco, but it's not really ignoring, Cisco knows this, it's Harry's 'say what you gotta say while I pretend not to listen'. Harry is astoundingly bad at normal human interaction.

 

This would have gone a lot better if Cisco actually had anything to say which wouldn't be admitting he was worried about Harry. (Is worried, always painfully present.) He searches his mind for something to say.

 

“There has to be a better way to make me learn how to control my abilities.” Cisco finally settles on safe terrain, the rescue, their mission, vibing Jesse's location.

 

Harry turns around with some kind of gadget in the one and a switchblade in the other which he uses to fiddle with the gadget. “If only Reverb was still alive.” he muses.

 

“What? My crazy doppelganger?”

 

“I bet he would've been able to teach you about the abilities you both shared.” Harry says while concentrating on getting a piece of plastic loose.

 

“Yeah, I bet,” Cisco says. “He would have taught me the evil way to use my abilities.”

 

He has thought about this a lot, about Reverb and Killer Frost, and what it means for Caitlin and him. If he has been shown their potential or their destiny. They haven't told Caitlin about Killer Frost yet laying it off because honestly it has scared Cisco and Barry too much. If Cisco could erase the memories of meeting his Earth-2 equivilant he happily would.

 

“Tell me, Ramon. Do you really think in morale categories defined by Superhero movies?” Harry asks punctuating every word with a stab on the gadget.

 

“I'm working with a superhero so it's not-” Cisco doesn't get to finish his sentence instead he gets to see Harry slip off with the knife and sliding it with with long swift motion over his left forearm.

 

And then there's the blood. In Cisco's head there is a voice yelling that, goddammit, did he just vibe the future?, but he is busy with 1) freaking out, 2) getting a towel, 3) cursing loudly. Harry has tumbled against the table behind him and is thankfully cooperative with Cisco wrapping the towel around his arm. He indicates for Harry to hold it while he gets his phone to call Caitlin.

 

While the line is connecting Harry is staring at him with narrowed eyes. “You knew,” He says his voice surprisingly stable for his condition. Cisco doesn't reply because this moment Caitlin takes the call.

 

The night ends with Barry breaking into a hospital to get a blood bag labeled with a weird Earth-2 type name which causes Caitlin's head to explode. ( _Do you have different blood than us? Or does it only have different names?_ ) It also leaves Harry confined to his bed by his worried friends how they like to emphasize. ( _We're your friends, Harry, we worry about you and if you don't stay put and get this blood transfusion, you're not gonna get better._ ) They leave one person on watch so he doesn't try anything stupid.

 

Of course it's Cisco who ends up sitting in a chair beside Harry's bed. But he can't really complain, he has discovered an overprotective streak inside himself and he's gonna indulge it. He's short of pulling the blankets over Harry but Harry's look stops him. He's still a bit pale from the blood loss but already glowering.

 

The room is cast in the dim light of the bed side lamp and Cisco leans back his feet kicked up on the bed. It's been a long and stressful day, actually it's been two long and stressful months. And it seems they're at the same point where they started, just more exhausted. Sometimes Cisco isn't sure if it was the right thing to do to stay here to help Harry, it had been the _right_ thing to do but it would have been so much easier to return to Earth-1 and forget about Zoom and everything. Except that they wouldn't have forgotten. That's not who they are.

 

When Harry speaks he sounds like he's already drifting off to sleep, a quiet murmur over the static of the universe, “I envy that you can still be preoccupied with questions of morality. It's the difference between us.”

 

“I'm just trying to stay sane,” Cisco responds. “You can't let this change who you are.”

 

“Maybe this is who I've always been.” Harry turns to him in the half dark, shadows obscuring the look on his face. This feels awful and big to Cisco, not like something that Harry should be saying to him, not when it sounds so honest and desperate. And it makes Cisco ache inside a bit.

 

“I hope for you, you will never love anyone like I love her.” Harry has closed his eyes now. “I'm scaring myself.”

 

Cisco sits there until all the blood is safely where it's supposed to be. He removes the IV from Harry's arm. Harry doesn't move but Cisco knows he's awake. But he lets Cisco draw the blanket over him and even lets him get away with a lingering touch on his wrist. Cisco thinks he has never felt more helpless.

 

The next day Harry still looks a bit ruffled and he sprawls over the whole backseat with feet in Caitlin's lap which is unusual touchy for Harry but she understands it as the thank you it's supposed to mean and slaps his legs every time he fiddles at the bandage around his arm. They bring him coffee and donuts and burgers to the car as if he's paralyzed from the neck down and not only got a cut in one arm. That he lets them do it speaks for his condition still not being what it used to be.

 

It's the beginning of something softer. Somewhere around this time Harry forgets that (in his mind) this is a one man show with three people running behind him. It starts to feel like they're really friends. He lets them in, accepts offers of evening beers and reduces his grumbling to a minimum.

 

They're circling back to Starling City now, on their way to a long stretch of mountains on the east that doesn't exist on Earth-1. At a rest stop with Caitlin and Barry gone to loot the snack isle Harry pops his head through the front seats.

 

“Are you going to tell me what happened there yesterday?”

 

“Did the blood loss affect your memory?” Cisco asks laughing and ducks away from Harry's hand slapping him.

 

“No. You knew I was going to cut myself. You vibed the future. You know, at first I thought you wanted to tell me about a problem- “

 

“As if,” Cisco makes an irritated noise. “You're the last person I would go to with a problem. Wait, you actually would have listen to me?”

 

“You're deflecting.” Harry shoots back but it lacks it usual sharpness.

 

“Okay, so maybe I've been vibing the future.” Cisco admits. “I'm freaking out about it, too.”

 

“No, it's a good thing.” Harry pats his shoulder and then leans back as he sees Barry and Caitlin approaching. “You're learning.”

 

“However I do that,” Cisco mumbles to himself as Barry opens the door and tosses him a bag of chips. It occurs to Cisco that Harry hasn't been an absolute douche about Cisco's ever evolving abilities this time. The blood loss must have really fucked him up.

 

A couple of days later they pull up at a large sea, a mountain chain raising in the foggy distance. The air is still fresh but the sun already warm on the skin, spring in full effect. Barry leans on the hood of the car next to Cisco while they watch Harry and Caitlin trail along the stony beach arguing about the difference of blood on the both earths. (Of course Caitlin has taken a sample from Harry and tested it. The results are thrilling in her opinion. A bit boring and not relevant in Cisco's.) Barry closes his jacket all the way up and shivers. Cisco watches him, he looks older than before. Cisco knows he's missing the zipping around, the semi-regular victory over Central City metas. Cisco misses it, too. He had felt useful back there in their STAR Labs with them catching a bad guy every week, making Central City save from a danger that he had had a part in creating. Their still doing a good thing here, but Cisco feels completely useless. He knows he could find Jesse if he could control the vibes. (He also knows he could do more than that. He feels it in his bones, like there is something shifting and sprouting. It wakes him up in the night like growing pains. It scares him endlessly because it makes him think of Reverb's words. _We could be gods._ He doesn't want to but deep inside him he knows there is a truth to it.)

 

Barry bumps against his shoulder, “Hey, you alright?”

 

Cisco tries to shake away the bad feeling, to push these thoughts to the back of his minds, but they stick. He knows what he should do. “Yeah, I'm fine.” He lies so effortlessly these days. “Just tired.”

 

Barry wraps an arm around him and pulls him closer. Of course speaking the language of white lies since he was a child he sees perfectly through Cisco. It's nice and warm and Cisco thinks that he wouldn't change a thing in the world. They might be in mortal danger and in a strange world but his friends are here with him. If he could send his younger self a message it would be to hold on because this here is worth all the shit that happened before.

 

The mountains would be better described as holes with a bit of stone around them. They hike endless miles over rocks and grass and moss, clouds engulfing them from time to time. There are at least seven caves that are big enough to come into consideration. They clutch to their weapons and provisions and Cisco finds himself in the same state as always when they approach a new cave: soul-tearing panic that they might run into Zoom and hope like a noose around his neck that they will finally find Jesse.

 

It takes them four days to search every cave. In the end they sit on the top of a mountain with a million dollar view, Starling City blinking awake on the horizon in the settling dark. Harry looks even more hopeless than usual, hollow and empty behind the eyes and it makes something roar in Cisco to see him like that, something that had been awaken in that night of the blood transfusion and silent confessions.

 

They decide to sleep in the next day, ordered by a concerned Dr. Snow who points out that if they die of exhaustion no one will save Jesse. Cisco would happily comply if his head would let him. Instead he spends the night in dream-ridden sleep and snaps awake at 7 a.m. bathed in cold sweat. He doesn't remember the dreams and sits there left with the taste of blood in his mouth he's used to from the vibes. He moves through the room careful not to wake up Barry who is sprawled on the other bed in the most impossible way .

 

Cisco skips the shower and goes straight for coffee. The morning air is crisp and he quickens his step to the diner across from the motel. He cozies up in the far corner, orders coffee and starts the laptop. It's a special laptop and Cisco has already spent many hours of quality time with it. It has the complete profiles of metahumans on Earth-2 that STAR Labs has compiled downloaded on it. A lot of them have counterparts on Earth-1 that Team Flash has had the honor of encountering, too, but many are completely new to Cisco. But on all the long drives he has browsed through the metahuman library there is one profile he has never opened.

 

Reverb.

 

The picture is blurred but it's still eerily familiar like looking into a fogged mirror. Cisco shivers even though it's comfortably warm in the diner. He remembers standing face to face with Reverb. It had been one hell of a mindfuck. He skips the _Past_ section just to scroll back up and read it anyway. If he's going to know, he should know everything. It's not the Anakin Skywalker story he had thought it would be. Reverb (he can't bring himself to call him Cisco even in his thoughts) was a normal boy, more or less, and (just like Cisco) extremely smart, flying through school and university with minimal effort and a minimal amounts of friends. And then the particle accelerator explosion and – boom – Reverb was born. No explanation where the god complex might have originated.

 

Further down the profile (after a list of known crimes (kills) attributed to Reverb) a list of abilities. That's what Cisco has been looking for. It's a long list. It's a terrifying list. It's a list that makes Cisco think about the swagger in Reverb's walk and the confidence in his voice, how maybe it wasn't there without a cause. It's a list that makes Cisco skin prickle with anticipation, with the sudden surge of want. Cisco had never wanted power because he didn't know what he would do with it anyway. Now there are ten good reasons just off the top of his head.

 

Caitlin finds him staring into space completely emotionless. She sits down and sees the coffee gone cold and the napkins filled with disconnected thoughts in blue ink.

 

“I feel like this is the point, you know,” Cisco says still not really looking at her. “The point of no return.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Caitlin asks and covers one of his shaking hands with her own.

 

Now he looks at her, bringing her into focus, the messy bun, the practical clothing, looking so changed from the neat Dr. Snow from Earth-1. The thing that stayed the same was the crease between her eyebrows where all her worries seem to concentrate.

 

He turns the laptop so she can see Reverb's profile. The crease only deepens.

 

“If I can – hypothetically - do all this,” Cisco says. “It should take us no time to get to Jesse.”

 

Caitlin reads the list, slowly, considering, emotions flashing over her face.

 

“You want this?” She finally asks.

 

“I'm starting to think it's our only chance. And do I even have a choice? I have a responsibility-”

 

“First of all, you are responsible for yourself.” Caitlin cuts him off. “So tell me, do you really want to go down this path?”

 

“Yes.” Cisco says, and he's sure, it makes him feel nauseous but he is, if there would be any other way, but there isn't. So, yes, of course. He will do everything, anything to help.

 

They meet up with Harry and Barry who got into a shouting match over who should go to the laundromat. (They take turns.) They fall quiet when Cisco tells them about his decision to look into Reverb to get stronger. There have to be notes, something, that would explain how Reverb got this strong. He was held in captivity for three months once and STAR Labs as the leading institution on metahumans had been there to question him. Or Barry has to take Cisco back in time and they would ask Reverb himself.

 

“No, no more time travel.” Harry puts a hand up and makes a face as if he got an instant migraine. “I was there, I talked to Reverb. I can tell you everything you want to know.”

 

“And why are you sharing this just now?” Cisco asks genuinely puzzled. It had been over two months of them hoping Ciscos' vibes would get stronger by sheer power of will. And the whole time Harry hadn't mentioned that he might know a way to speed up the process?

 

“I might have been threatened to not pressure you into developing your abilities if you don't want to,” Harry's gaze flickers to Barry. “There might have been threats of violence.”

 

“And some manhandling.” Caitlin adds.

 

Cisco looks to Barry who shrugs his shoulders innocently.

 

“So we're running in circles because of my,” Cisco falters. “Because of my feelings.”

 

“You're feelings are important,” Caitlin hurries to say and slaps Harry on the arm. “Right?”

 

“Yes, they are.” Harry says and throws Caitlin a mean look. Cisco doesn't believe him for a second. He draws his hoodie closer around himself feeling like he might disintegrate at the edges.

 

“No, it's true,” Harry adds. “We probably wouldn't have been able to make you do anything before you were ready.”

 

“That sounds more like you.” Cisco responds and it comes out more bitter than expected.

 

Harry makes that face that means 'Ramon, I know you have feelings like a normal person but I don't so don't make me try to understand you' and Cisco is used to it, only wants to punch him half of the time by now. He's with Harry this time anyway. He should have decided to do this earlier.

 

“Tell me,” Cisco demands. “How did Reverb do it?”

 

“He described it as 'the wisdom of the universe flooding him'. Particularly lofty but it implies that you have to simply open yourself to it. And it will come to you,” Harry says.

 

“The last time there was talk of stimulants,” Barry says.

 

“Yes,” Harry says. “I have the theory that drugs might speed up the process.”

 

“He's not going to take drugs.” Caitlin's voice is high-pitched and strained.

 

“It would be in a controlled environment under medical supervision,” Harry barks back. “And it's his decision, anyway.”

 

This is how Cisco ends up lying on a shitty motel bed in the middle of the day, blinds drawn shut and Harry excitedly jumping around the instruments he has assembled on the table to cook up his very own mix of psychedelic drugs. Caitlin sits next Cisco and holds his hand while she throws daggers with her eyes into Harry's back. Barry is pacing the room, looking even more nervous than Cisco.

 

“Y'all look like I'm going to do something incredible stupid and dangerous,” Cisco says trying to lighten the mood. Caitlin shifts her focus to Cisco with a look that makes Cisco think of ice and blood and Killer Frost.

 

“Why you are doing this is still beyond me,” She says coldly.

 

“I'm taking a leap of faith with that ignorant egomaniac over there.” Cisco says and presses her hand. “And you know why I'm doing this.”

 

“I'm not ignorant,” Harry chimes in. “It's called selective perception.”

 

The substance is clear when Harry hands the syringe over to Caitlin. She still doesn't look convinced but she doesn't say anything. Barry has been banned from the room and is now pacing over the motel parking lot. ( _We can call you if we need your help, but your insanely distracting._ ) Cisco takes a deep breath as he watches Caitlin come to him. He has to remind himself why he's doing this (to save Jesse, to be able to protect his friends in the future, to not be taken advantages of ever again) and the uncertainty passes. Yes, this is what he needs to do.

 

“What's the worst that can happen, right?” He says and his voice is not as steady as he hoped it would be.

 

“Bad trip,” Harry informs him. “But I doubt that will happen.” Cisco knows it's meant to reassuring and that Harry meant it that way kinda helps.

 

Caitlin finds a vein in his arm and gives him one last look, one last way out but Cisco just nods and tries to resolve her doubts with a smile. When the needle breaks his skin he closes his eyes.

 

At first nothing happens. And then something gently tucks at the back of his mind. A sea opens under him, a deep blue void and with a last look to Caitlin and Harry he lets go and slips under the waves. It's warm and welcoming. He doesn't have to breath. He floats in the pulsing darkness, gets swept up in a current, glides along slowly. He sinks deeper and deeper. He's at ease.

 

And then there is noise, loud, roaring, but from far away. As if Cisco is standing in a room and down the floor there is a fire. Or maybe a whirlwind causing wreckage. Cisco turns to look for the origin of the noise but he cannot see anything, except his own limbs. The noise scares him. He moves, tries to get away from it. He looks up from where he came. There is a light that shimmers from where the surface has to be. But that's not the direction he has to go.

 

He has to go deeper. Take control, he thinks. And suddenly the pace changes, suddenly he's falling, falling down, wind rushing in his ears, tearing at his clothes and hair. He opens his mouth but there is no scream. He knows, you only fall if something is pulling you down, that's the rule of gravity, falling requires a destination. He looks down and sees he's falling towards another sea. On the sea there is a yellow pond lily. The closer Cisco gets the bigger the flower becomes, growing into an unbelievable size, still growing, never stopping, and Cisco doesn't know if this is perspective or if the flower is doing it on its own. It swallows Cisco, he disappears between yellow pedals and he's still falling until he lands on a soft hill.

 

He looks around. It looks like the place between worlds, like the portal between Earth-1 and Earth-2. It's completely silent. He feels the ground, it's smooth and silky. He can sink his hands into it. Then the rest of his bodies starts sinking, too. What once was solid ground captures him like quicksand. He thinks about fighting, but then lets go and glides down until he disappears in the stuff completely. It's not dark in there, not completely. There are flashes of light, different colors and Cisco understands, knows that this is the speed force, traveling between worlds, having its home here in the nothingness that holds the worlds together like glue. One of those lights closes in on him, engulfs him as if it wants to communicate, and it's so familiar, it reminds him of Barry, the way it feels to touch him when there is electricity dancing above and under his skin.

 

The light pushes Cisco forward, shows him the way and then they are there. Under him, over him, all around him, all the worlds of the multiverse. They vibrate, he can feel it clear in the way the space around them doesn't, is dead silence in contrast to the cacophony that reaches him from each world. It's much, it's almost too much, but the streak of speed force is still there, dancing around him, like a hand on his shoulder, calming him, anchoring him.

 

He takes it one at a time, picks a world and just looks. He sees it at first through the eyes of his counterparts but after a while he can detach himself from them, flying up and away, observing buzzing cities and silent wastelands. There are worlds, like Earth-2 that are almost identical to his own, just fractionally different, thousand variations of the same story. There is one where Barry never became the Flash but another guy, no one Cisco recognizes. There is one where Cisco is working for Mercury Labs since the particle accelerator explosion. There are plenty of worlds where he has taken the route of Reverb, different names each time but the same bitter taste it leaves in Cisco's mouth. There is one world where Eobard Thawne is still alive, still dressing up as Harrison Wells, Cisco recognizes him in the clean lines and deliberateness, a contained implosion on two feet. It's a sucker punch to Cisco's guts, it leaves him breathless and retreating from this world in a hurry. There are also worlds that are nothing like his own. There are many worlds where neither a Cisco Ramon exists, nor a Central City. There are worlds who have their own heroes. There are worlds that have stories about superheroes and people trying to live up to them. There are dead worlds. There are worlds that defy every word Cisco has ever learned.

 

He could go on like this forever, slipping from one world to the next, forgetting time and his own life. But there it is again, the noise, reminding him of his own self lying on a bed in a motel a few miles behind Starling City, reminding him of his friends and why he is here. He pulls himself out of a world that is ruled by creatures that look like nothing science-fiction ever invented. Between the worlds he is welcomed back by the light streak and he follows it back up this time until he is standing in a corridor, the speed force gone, the worlds gone.

 

He doesn't know where he is. He feels for vibrations and he registers the soothing drum of Earth-2. He's back to where his body is.

 

He is in a corridor he doesn't recognize and the noise is louder than ever before. It sounds like howling, like someone is tearing the room at the end of the hall apart. It sounds so terrible familiar, it's a sound Cisco has heard on the worst of bad Christmas evenings, after his first break up, the days after the explosion at STAR Labs when all they could do was wander through the rubble and debris. The last time he had heard it when Thawne had risen his arm and ripped through his heart. It is the sound of Cisco's soul, being torn apart by hurt.

 

That's enough to make him back away, to make him stumble backwards until his back hits the wall. There is only one door and he doesn't want to see what waits for him behind it. But he knows he has to go, knows it like he knows to be afraid of fire and wild animals, it's an instinct, like fight or flight. He knows if he makes it through it he will find what he's been looking for.

 

The door opens under his hand and then he's inside. It tears him to shreds in seconds. It's terrifying and big and stronger than Cisco ever thought anything in him could be. It's pure strength, it's power, and he recognizes it as what it really is: it's surviving. It's the thing that makes him absolutely him, what makes him strive and grow, what makes him dangerous.

 

Just like that it's over. He is floating again through thick warmness.

 

When he resurfaces what feels like hours later three people are looking down on him. He blinks a few times to bring them into focus.

 

“Good morning,” He says and yawns. He feels run down and exhausted but calm. Certainty has settled inside his chest.

 

“How are you feeling?” Caitlin asks.

 

“Good,” Cisco replies and smiles. “Good. Everything's going to be alright now.” He feels sleep tugging at him, the deep kind, the kind with no dreams, just oblivion. He looks at Harry with sinking eyelids. “Everything's gonna be fine.” Then he drifts off completely.

 

When he wakes up again it takes him a while to free himself from sleep, it clings to him, doesn't let go. Eventually he manages to open his eyes and raise his head. He's still in the same motel room, blinds shut, no daylight pouring through the cracks. He turns and aches all over his body like he ran a marathon. Barry lies on the other bed. Cisco can't tell if he is sleeping or not, it's too dark. He calls out for him, his voice a dry rasp.

 

Barry is by his side in milliseconds.

 

“Cisco, hey there buddy, take it easy.” He helps Cisco to sit up.

 

“How long did I sleep?” Cisco asks hoarsely.

 

“For 14 hours. Wait a second.” Wind gushes into Cisco's face and then Barry hands him a glass of water. “Are you okay?”

 

Cisco drinks in big gulps until the glass is empty. “Yeah, I am. What time is it? Do you think it's too late to find something to eat?”

 

Barry shakes his head with an exhausted smile. Then there are arms around Cisco and Barry is clutching him to his chest with a force that presses the air out of Cisco's lungs.

 

They meet with Caitlin and Harry in the hallway. Caitlin looks like she has just woken up, too, hair standing in ever direction. She falls into Cisco's arms and doesn't let go for the next minute. Even Harry's eyes look softer in the neon light and he squeezes Cisco's arm.

 

He doesn't tell them what he saw, how is he supposed to? It would have needed a language he doesn't possess. In the blaring lights of the fast food joint his friends look tired but suddenly and sharply hopeful. Cisco devours two burgers and the half of Caitlin fries, licking his fingers for the last corn of salt, feeling a hunger as deep as an ocean. They wait for him to finish – patiently. They all know something has changed, that their carefully crafted stauts quo is over now, there would be a new pace to things now. Cisco watches the neon sign of the bar across the street flicker, on, off, on, off. He thinks he could reach over there. He thinks, he could light up the whole world.

 

“I know where she is,” He finally offers up.

 

There is a loud thud when Harry sets his cup down.

 

“Where?”

 

Cisco reaches out for Jesse, like he had done when he went looking for her in his drug-induced state. She's still there, he knows it's her in the way she swings and vibrates in almost the same way as her father. She's further away than they had thought. They'll need a week at least to get there. Of course. If you can travel faster than light you wouldn't choose a hide out close to the city your kidnapping victim lived in. At least she's still in the country.

 

Cisco doesn't say any of it. He just tells them the location and lets them think it for themselves. In a precautionary motion he lays a hand on Barry's arm to keep him from running there instantly. Because Zoom is there. Cisco can feel it as clear as he feels Jesse. And he knows, suddenly he sees him clear as day, right in front of him, and he pushes past Barry, stumbles out of the door in the street. He thinks he might throw up.

 

“It's Jay.” He gasps, turns to look wide-eyed at Barry who followed him. “It's Jay. Zoom is Jay.”

 

Barry looks like Cisco feels, rattled, shook, and they know this, it's familiar, the sting of betrayal, how it leaves the taste of ash in their mouth and- oh god, they have to tell Caitlin. The thing between Jay and Caitlin had been painfully obvious and achingly sweet. Cisco had been happy for her, that she was able to open herself for someone new after Ronnie. Now he thinks he should have known, should have protected her, told her not to rush in.

 

When the sun finally rises over horizon they're all red-eyed and tired and wound up. They pile into the van because none of them can stand to stay here, needing to be on the road, on the move again. Feeling like they're getting closer to their destination. Caitlin doesn't say a word, just clutches the blanket she is cocooned in. It breaks Cisco heart to see her like that, again, face carefully blank, nothing revealing the storm inside her. Cisco wants to reach for her, down to her atoms and remove the sadness. But all he can do is sit next to her, their legs pressed against each other and train his eyes on the road ahead of them. Harry drives not as mad as usual but quick and efficient, as if he has learned how to do it overnight, and Cisco suspects he likes to be a risk to the street traffic on normal days. Barry looks like he's about to jump out of his skin any time soon, fiddling and bouncing his legs.

 

The one thing is getting to Jesse, that was just a matter of time and patience anyway. The other is getting her out. Their best bet is to wait until Zoom is gone and grab her then. They are finally confronted with the fact that they have no clue what to do about Zoom. How they can defeat him, if they should even try (of course they want to, want it down to marrow of their bones, because it's the _right_ thing to do), what they will do if he catches them. Caitlin offers to kill him and she sounds so dead and heartbroken at the same time no one comments on it.

 

Cisco sleeps a lot. In his dreams he creeps through his new realms, slipping from one world to the next, observing, endlessly fascinated by it all. The richness of the tapestry of life. Every time he wakes he feels soaked through, the fabric of the universe curling under his fingers, just the right side of comforting and thrilling. He feels the immense possibilities.

 

Somewhere half way to Jesse they stop at a deserted gas station cradled in a patch of a deep forest. Cisco leans against the car and tries to move an empty fast food container over the concrete with a blast of energy like he has seen Reverb do it to Barry, hurling him through the warehouse with a flick of his wrist. It's not going so well, even though it should work, Cisco knows it should work like this. He concentrates on the container, feeling its vibration, pushing it, pushing, but it doesn't move an inch. He closes his eyes and wills himself to feel it, reaching for the container with tentacles of his mind and pushing it, shoving at it, at its molecules, at its atoms.

 

There is a hand on his shoulder and a “Hey!” and he is falling, falling through it until he slumps against Harry's chest, solid and firm, and when Cisco looks up he can see Harry's face tight-knit with worry and not just atoms dancing around each other.

 

“Don't do that.” Harry says. “You were gone for a second. Like just gone.”

 

“Oh,” is all Cisco can say, trapped between the car and Harry, almost a one-armed embrace, and he thinks that it is nice to feel Harry's warmth in the cold air, and the sun makes it look like his eyes are glowing from within.

 

“Yes, oh,” Harry responds and there is a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “So don't do that. It's weird.”

 

“Is that you're very obscure way of saying you're worried about me?” Cisco asks and life floods back into him, and they're still standing really close, and it's 2:34 a.m., and the air smells like gas and coffee and forest, and Cisco will keep counting facts if it keeps him from leaning into Harry even more.

 

“Of course I worry. You're essential to Jesse's rescue.” Harry says, the second sentence hardly denying the sincerity of the first one.

 

Cisco feels something being restructured, it's overwhelming and comes over him in a flood yet subtle and creeping. It feels like he has been washed up on a strange shore, left alone. It feels like waking up to the first snow of the year – exciting and a long time coming. He suddenly feels very light even against the possible of being torn apart by Zoom in the next few days.

 

Harry snaps his fingers in front of Cisco's face. “Hey, anyone in there?”

 

“Yeah,” Cisco says lamely because words are failing him right now.

 

Then Harry steps away with a sigh bringing a few feet of distance between them. Cisco looks up and takes a deep breath. There are clouds drifting fast over the sky. Stick to the facts, he tells himself.

 

Barry and Caitlin join them with coffee and they stand there talking about nothing important at all and it feels like taking a deep breath before diving into the deep end.

 

A few days later they arrive at the mountains. They are high, the top covered in snow and clouds. They park the van and get ready. It's so close now, their destination, the moment they've been living for the last months. Cisco can feel Jesse's pain radiating through miles and thick layers of stone. He shields himself off as much as he can without losing track of her completely. He wonders when this has started, that he picks up on the moods of the people around him. At first it must have seemed normal to him, he has always been a compassionate person. But this is different, stronger, as if he's a dry sponge just soaking up the emotion of everyone close to him. But he can't let it overwhelm him, especially not now, when all their lives depend on it.

 

The hike is a couple of hours. Cisco can hear his heart beating in his ears the entire time. Zoom is not here, he's far away as far as Cisco can assess it. But not far enough that he can't return in a flash. They allow Barry to run ahead now that they know Zoom is not there (and oh god, Cisco is scared that he's wrong, that he made a mistake, that Barry runs straight into Zoom's arms). He comes back a few minutes later, saying that Jesse is there and that she's okay. And then he zips them there one after the other, shortening the trip.

 

Cisco feels like he already knows Jesse. He sat in a star and listened for her. He knows the beat of her heart and the taste of the fear in her mouth. It's mostly not something he wanted to know, it just came to him. But he has never really seen her except for glimpses in a vibe. She's still so young, wearing a summer dress, curled up in a holding cell with glass walls. Harry breaks down in front of the glass. Jesse looks up and for a split it seems like she doesn't recognize him. But then she's pressed against the glass crying and calling out for her father.

 

“Told you I would get you,” Harry says his voice strangled. “We'll get you out of here.”

 

Barry is already trying to destroy the glass, in the end he resorts to phasing through it but simply bangs against the glass and falls down. It would be funny if the constant threat of Zoom returning wouldn't be there.

 

“You have to be faster,” Harry urges him without looking away from Jesse. “Earth-2 vibrates on a different frequency.”

 

Barry is getting ready to try it for a second time when Cisco can feel it.

 

“No,” he yells out. “Now! You gotta be fast-”

 

And then there's a whoosh and the air is suddenly crackling and sizzling with electricity.

 

“Too late,” Zoom almost croons. “I see you've finally made it. And all of you at the same time. That's so nice of you. Relieves me from the stress of killing each one of you on their own.”

 

Barry makes a move to phase through the glass but Zoom stops him before his hand even touches the glass. “No, we wouldn't do that, now.”

 

Cisco feels sick, nauseous and his whole body aching and it takes him a while to realize it's Jay. Cisco winces and takes a step back, the waves that come crashing on him from Jay making him breathless in the worst possible way. Zoom registers his movement and comes up close until he is leaning over Cisco. He actually pulls off the mask to look at him, and it's Jay, pretty, bland Jay, The Flash Jay, their friend Jay, and Cisco shrinks into himself to get away from him.

 

“Mmh. What have they done to you?” Jay asks, his voice suddenly so normal Cisco's brain shortcircuits. “You smell like the speed force.”

 

“What are you? A fucking dog?” Harry yells at Jay, glaring at him from where he tries to cover Jesse with his body.

 

Before Jay can answer there is a clinking noise and at first Cisco cannot place it. Jay looks more irritated than surprised though. And then Cisco knows: High heels on ice. And there she is: Killer Frost, still beautiful in her own way which means terrifying with eyes like a cold fire and the gravity of Medusa: you have to look and look and look until one touch kills you.

 

There's is an audible intake of breath coming from Caitlin's direction.

 

“What are you doing here?” Jay hisses.

 

“I'm here for the show of course,” Killer Frost says with the fraction of a smile and then the air turns cold.

 

The first shard of ice hits Jay at the side of his head. He's too surprised to react. A mistake. The ice creeps over him, is already slowing him down, and the second attack brings him to the ground.

 

“Out,” Killer Frost screams keeping Zoom barely under control.

 

Cisco is running before he can think about it. He reaches for Caitlin's arm to pull her along. He can see Barry tearing Harry away from Jesse. He cannot think. They have to run. They're out of the cave and Cisco hears nothing but his heart hammering against his ribcage and one thought ringing clear in his head: It's over, it's over, it's over-

 

Then there is screaming behind them, Killer Frost sprinting out of the cave, yelling at them. Run! And then the earth shakes and bends and buckles and Cisco doesn't have to look, he can feel it coming. Barry is already on the move, tearing Harry away whose arm he still got in his grip. He's back in no time to take Caitlin with him, and now it's only Cisco and Killer Frost running away from a fucking avalanche.

 

A second later he feels the familiar whirlwind taking hold of him, yanking his body away at a speed it's not supposed to travel. He slumps against the car when Barry let's go of him, but only for a second. Then he climbs into the passenger seat. Barry is already starting the car. Cisco looks in the rear view mirror and sees Harry framed in by two Caitlins.

 

Caitlin, his Caitlin, catches his eyes in the mirror and the panic is clear in hers, the questions. Cisco can't answer them right now because Barry drives in a maddening pace down tiny roads to escape masses of snow tumbling down the mountain behind them. There is a reason they never let Barry drive. But right now no one is complaining when the car jumps and rumbles and almost drives off the road. Right now they're just shaking.

 

They should be out of danger by now but Barry is still driving. What else is there to do. They come back to the highway and the sight of the flat never-ending road hits Cisco like punch in the guts, sucks all the air out of his lungs and it takes him a moment to figure out it's Harry breaking, not him. He tries to close off from the waves of desperation but he can't, and he has to look, has to witness.

 

He makes Barry pull over. Harry climbs out of the car and walks two steps in the direction of the trees lining the road before he falls to his knees. Cisco gets out and turns away so no one can see the tears running down his face as well. He wants to run. He wants to scream and he cannot tell anymore which are Harry's emotions and which are his very own and that scares him more than anything and all he can think is _Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse_ -

 

“How could you do that?” Harry is screaming at Killer Frost now. “My daughter was in there.”

 

Barry is restraining him though Killer Frost looks like she could handle herself in any fight. Caitlin has taken position on the other side of the car in a careful distance.

 

“Zoom won't let his favorite pet go to waste, trust me.” Killer Frost spits out. “I just saved you asses, you ungrateful prick.”

 

Cisco sways back and forth. He's so angry, he wants to rip something apart, someone. He grips his arm with his hand and presses down, nails digging into flesh. Focus, he needs focus, he needs to remember who he is. The pain brings him back just enough to realize he can find out and he reaches out, reaches for Jesse, follows a trail from the mountains, away, away, still on the move so fast it can only be with a speedster.

 

“She's alive,” Cisco gasps out. “She's alright. He's got her but she's alright.”

 

He hasn't realized that he has held his hand out as if to catch her. Now he takes hold of something, it's Harry, Harry crowding him, taking him by the shoulders, and Cisco vibes, sees Jesse, her face a mask of horror but unharmed, Zoom, Jay sitting her down in what looks like an abandoned warehouse. She shakes but she doesn't cry or scream. Jay looks furious, he is the one screaming, punching a wall, punching right through it.

 

Cisco comes back and pushes Harry away. He walks backwards, stumbles, it's too much, this is not his pain, he doesn't want it. He hears his name called out by multiple voices. He rubs his face angrily, sucks in a heaving breath, tries to count but fails.

 

Then there is a breeze of cold air, and he can feel Killer Frost settling down next to him like a block of ice.

 

“Think of a wall,” She tells him. “It's energy like any other. Let it flow out of you.”

 

Cisco does as he is told. He builds a wall around himself, brick by brick. He takes hold of the pain inside himself and guides it outside, yellow pulsing streaks flowing out of him like a river. He closes the last gap in the wall and suddenly he is free.

 

He looks up, he's sitting on the ground and Killer Frost is grinning at him. He gets up, wiping over his face with his sleeve, clearing his throat.

 

“We should get going,” He declares to the faces in front of him, frozen somewhere between shock, horror and bewilderment. “Somewhere where Zoom can't find us.”

 

They pile back into the car, Cisco ends up squeezed on the backseat between Killer Frost and Harry. He tries to make himself as thin as air but touch is inevitable. He looks down on his hands, ignoring Caitlin worried looks in the rear view mirror. No one says a word but Cisco can feel Killer Frost staring icy holes into him as well.

 

“You're really like him,” She finally says.

 

“He's not,” Barry replies sharply.

 

“Well, he's definitely lacking the dramatic flair,” Killer Frost chuckles. “But the powers. You know, he called it his weakness.”

 

“What is it?”Caitlin asks.

 

“I guess, it's hypersensitivity,” Killer Frost says. “He can feel everything from the multiverse, down to the atoms of your soul including strong emotions.”

 

Cisco can see Harry hands clench and he's so over other people talking about him, knowing more about him than he does himself.

 

“I could go on,” Killer Frost says. “Reverb wouldn't shut up about his super amazing godlike powers. Blah, blah, blah. This leaves me with one question. What about you?”

 

Cisco looks up to see Killer Frost winking at Caitlin who looks like she might drive the car of the road any minute now.

 

“What about me?” Caitlin snaps. “What about you? Who are you?”

 

“I guess we should have told you,” Barry says and ducks away under a look from Caitlin that makes Killer Frost let out a laugh.

 

“You knew about her?” Caitlin shrieks. “What the hell is going on.”

 

“I'm your evil doppelganger. There it is.”

 

“Then why are you helping us?”

 

Killer Frost falls silent, the confident look fading from her face.

 

“It's because he killed Ronnie, right?” Barry asks his voice suddenly soft.

 

“He has to pay for what he has done.” Killer Frost says, her gaze distant, her voice hard like steel.

 

They leave it at that. No more talk of Jesse, or Zoom, or Cisco's ever growing list of abilities he didn't ask for (he kinda did though, he knows he asked for it, wanted it, wanted to be strong, he should have expected side effects, harrowing like this). Caitlin interrogates Killer Frost with a mix between curiosity and disgust. Killer Frost talks willingly about her powers, her fucked up mother, the perfect time she spent playing Bonny and Clide with Ronny. No one comments much, it doesn't even feel weird anymore to sit here with one of their enemies telling them about her path of destruction, it's just another part of their everyday life. No one would dare to stop Killer Frost anyway, it feels too much like a confession though she probably doesn't seek their absolution.

 

She thanks them for their silence with guiding them to where she has been holed up until now. It's a house deep in the endless forests that fill this part of Earth-2. It looks like a people live here in the summer – empty but not abandoned. Killer Frost had kicked in the door, it hangs in its hinges, swaying in a breeze. There is food in the house and beds enough for everyone. It's comfortable between the thick wooden walls and the candles on the kitchen table. It almost feels safe, and definitely more personal than the shabby motels.

 

When Cisco stands in front of Harry's door once again he doesn't even know why he's here. The door is slightly ajar and Cisco can see the bed inside, see Harry's long legs sprawled out on the right side. He still remembers what it felt like, how Harry felt, how it had ripped him apart to lose Jesse again, to think maybe for real this time. Cisco feels guilty like he intruded, like he saw something he shouldn't have seen. He knows when he has already gone this far he can go further.

 

He enters the room and closes the door.

 

Harry lies completely still, fully clothed, hands resting on his stomach, only opens his eyes when he hears Cisco enter. Cisco lingers at the door for a moment, collecting the courage to go on. There is still no reaction from Harry, just him laying there like an open book. Cisco prods at his wall but it holds. He doesn't want to repeat the disaster from earlier.

 

Finally he steps closer. Harry has his eyes closed again and Cisco sits down on the bed beside him. He can see Harry's chest rising, and his eyelids fluttering, glasses discarded on the bedside table. Cisco wants to reach out and smooth out the worry line between Harry's eyebrows but he doesn't know if he's allowed to.

 

He doesn't know why he came here. But now he's here and he has to deal with it.

 

With his racing heart and the residual pain of Harry's mess, and his own sadness. It's a puddle so deep he could drown in it. In the last light of the day falling though the window the world looks gray and two dimensional. Cisco is afraid if he'll touch Harry that he will dissolve into dust.

 

But he doesn't. The sweater is ruff under Cisco's fingers and he trails up Harry's arm until he cups his cheek lightly. Cisco strokes his thumb over cold skin and Harry sighs, brows furrowing even more, but he doesn't slap Cisco's hand away. Instead he starts to unravel, comes undone, and Cisco bows down to hug him close. Harry presses his face into Cisco's shoulder, holding onto him with both arms, and shaking quietly. Cisco closes his eyes. The wall holds.

 

He toes off his shoes so he can climb on the bed. Harry is already pulling him closer, embracing him so hard as if the current of his sadness is about to sweep him away. Cisco can do nothing more than hold him and stroke his hair. The worst are the helpless noises Harry makes while crying. They tear Cisco apart and this time he knows it's his own pain throbbing like an open wound. And he knows the world ain't fair, has known that since he could tell the difference between the looks his parents gave him and his brother but right now he feels it with his whole being, that _this isn't fair_.

 

But what can he do about it other than letting Harry cry himself to sleep in his arms?

 

He pushes his nose in Harry's hair and breathes in. He knows this could be exciting under other circumstances. He knows this is something he would want. But for now he listens to Harry slowing breath, feels it against his collarbones. It's completely dark by now. Harry radiates the warmth of the sleeping, dream-fever, and it pulls Cisco down and away.

 

Somewhere down the line one of them wakes up and pulls the blankets over them.

 

The next morning comes inevitable as it always does even after nights like this. Cisco wakes to muted chatter from outside the room and Harry's face up close. Harry is awake and looks exhausted as if the sleep has taken the last of him but his face is relaxed and not as tight-knit with worry and desperation like yesterday. Cisco smiles at him and drifts back to sleep. The next time he wakes up to the sensation of being touched. He blinks a few times. Harry is gently stroking the back of his hand down Cisco's cheek then he flips his finger against it. Cisco growls and pins Harry's hand down on the mattress between them. He can hear Harry chuckle but all Cisco wants to do his pull the blanket over his head and go back to sleep. He hasn't slept this well for weeks, pure oblivion instead of a stream of universes.

 

Harry pulls their hands that are still joined under the covers and the next moment Barry barges into the room.

 

“Good Morning, Har- Oh.” Barrys' eyes widen as he sees Cisco. “Well, good morning you two. Breakfast is ready and if you wait too long there won't be any coffee left.”

 

He spins on his heels and walks out of the room again.

 

Cisco could hardly focus on Barrys' words because Harry has laced their fingers together, and his brain seems to catch up to the fact that their holding hands. If they would hook him up to machines he would probably flat line because his heart is beating too fast to measure. At least he's wide awake now.

 

“About yesterday,” Harry mumbles, eyes half closed yet still focused on Cisco's face. “I'm sorry.”

 

“About what?” Cisco whispers and it feels like sharing secrets.

 

“That you had to experience that. My emotions.”

 

Cisco doesn't know what to say. He knows that Harry doesn't mean the way he had broken down in front of Cisco right here in this bed, except maybe that too, but at the side of the road when Cisco had felt every single shard of Harry's broken heart.

 

“It's not your fault.”

 

Swallowing is suddenly very hard. He sits up, hair falling in front of his face. Their hands are still joined as if to illustrate what hangs in the air around them, unspoken, unknown, lingering. It's not the time, it's not the place and Cisco tears himself away suddenly scared to his bones by this soft, pliant Harry. It's a side Cisco hadn't known and now he has to keep this terrible secret that Harry can be nice and caring if he wants to. He didn't ask for it. (He did.)

 

Breakfast is a quiet business. Barry keeps throwing Cisco these looks and Cisco is all too happy to ignore them. Caitlin and Killer Frost seem to have allied over night and are talking by the window in hushed voices. Cisco hears the name _Ronnie_ drop and he doesn't intrude. Harry has _'fragile – handle with care'_ written all over him and Barry refills his coffee mug without questions.

 

They stay in the house for three days. Cisco calls it 'licking their wounds'. Caitlin calls it 'necessary rest'. Killer Frost calls it 'wasting our time'. Barry calls it 'time to regroup and plan'. Harry doesn't call it anything. He hardly speaks at all.

 

They don't share a bed again. Cisco sleeps in a room with Barry, suddenly feeling very cold and alone in his bed. But that's nothing he isn't used to. So he lives with it. He lives with it and keeps himself carefully closed off. The wall stands.

 

On the third day they fight.

 

Cisco knows these fights like the back of his hand. This is not one of their usual 'we don't agree how to fight this meta' fight. It's a family fight. And Cisco knows the script, the ups and downs, knows how it feels in the back of his throat and weighs heavy on his heart.

 

It all start with Harry saying: “You should leave.”

 

It's directed at no one in particular, at all of them probably. They're sitting around the kitchen table in late morning light. It takes Cisco a moment to figure out Harry's statement as that twisted way he cares about them.

 

“No way.” Barry says. “Where would we even go.”

 

“Back to your earth.” Harry replies and he's not looking at them, starring in his coffee instead. Who knows what goes on behind those blue eyes and sharp features.

 

“How would we even do that?” Caitlin asks like Harry had suggested flying to the moon.

 

Harry finally moves out of his stasis to roll his eyes and make a gesture. “We've all read Reverb's file. Cisco can bring you back if he really wants to.”

 

“I don't want to,” Cisco states and puts down his spoon in the cereal bowl.

 

Harry takes off his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. “You're putting yourself in incredible danger.” Now he's looking directly at Cisco. “You almost died.”

 

“We're used to that by now,” Cisco replies. “Even on our earth.”

 

“Yeah,” Barry adds. “Anyway, we're not letting a whole world under the rule of this madman.”

 

Harry stands up and Caitlin is scampering to pull the dishes out of his reach. He looks like he might throw a plate or two. Killer Frost seems to enjoy the show, leaning back in her chair with a barely suppressed grin.

 

“This is my fight,” Harry says through clenched teeth. “If I can't make you leave I will go.”

 

“That's just stupid, Harry,” Caitlin says and she reaches out for him but he pulls away.

 

“Maybe,” Harry snaps. “But I'm not letting you put your lives on the line for me.”

 

“That's not for you to decide,” Cisco says and he's desperately trying to think this through, find the solution, the way through Harry's defenses and arguments. But this isn't an argument you can win with logic. And Cisco recognizes the edge in Harry's eyes, knows that next he will say something he doesn't mean but will still hurt, anything, everything to push them away. Cisco has to stop him somehow.

 

But he's too late.

 

“I never wanted this,” Harry waves between all of them. “Any of it. Your pity. Your help. Your friendship. I didn't ask for it.”

 

Oh, yeah. It hurts. Cisco thinks he should take this punch with pride but Barry looks like a kicked puppy and Caitlin curls into herself like a flower closing its pedals. No, Cisco is going to be petty about this.

 

“Fuck you, too, Harry.” He is almost yelling. “What would you have done without us? You have no chance against Zoom on your own.”

 

“Without you my daughter wouldn't have been kidnapped in the first place.” Harry takes a step back after the words are out as if he's shocked by them, too. But he doesn't take them back. Just stands there and looks pale and tired and angry.

 

Cisco tries to breath through it. Calm slow breaths. He knows Harry doesn't mean it, he can't mean it, not after the months of them crammed in that stupid van, not after all the things said between them, not after that night. Harry might not have sought out their friendship but he had never complained when it crept up on all of them surprisingly and he had needed it, still needs it, needs them. And no yelling or hurtful words can change that.

 

Where to go from this point?

 

No where for the moment. They all find their corners to fret. Cisco knows this part, too. The real messy part is the next one, the sorting it all out. But fate would have it that Cisco is not there for the messy part.

 

On the fourth day Cisco wakes up in Jesse's cell.

 

He wakes up on cold concrete. He startles, sits upright. The room is dimly lit from the light streaming through broken windows. It takes Cisco a while to process his surroundings. It's the warehouse he saw in his vibe. And there is Jesse, sitting in the corner of a new glass cell, staring at him. And he's with her in the cell. He has the worst headache of his life and he has an idea how he ended up here. He doesn't like the idea at all.

 

“I know you,” Jesse finally says. Her voice is quiet and raspy. “You were there with my father.”

 

“Yeah, I'm-,” Cisco pauses. “I'm a friend.”

 

“My dad doesn't do the friend thing,” Jesse says but she visibly relaxes, the tension leaving her body but she's still keeping her distance.

 

“Tell me about it,” Cisco exhales and looks around more carefully this time. The glass is solid, no chance of escaping without the right superpowers. He tries not to think about what will happen when Zoom will come.

 

“How did get in here?” Jesse asks.

 

“Good question.” Cisco makes finger guns at her. “I'm not sure but I might have opened a portal while I was asleep. That's a thing I can theoretically do.”

 

“You're a meta,” Jesse states. He eyes light up with something like cautious hope. “Can you get us out of here?”

 

“I will definitely try but I'm kind of a poor excuse of a meta. Still learning and all.”

 

He reaches out for the glass with his hand and his mind at the same time. It's solid and cold against his skin. This would be a good time to miraculously get the hang of his powers. He's not optimistic. He closes his eyes and pushes against the atoms of the glass, wills them to move, to break, to disappear. But nothing happens.

 

Finally there is panic starting to rise in him. This is not good. Not at all. He has to hope that Zoom accepts him as a second hostage and not straight up murder him. And then there is still the problem that the rest of Team Flash is either still fighting, or has no clue how to find Jesse and him. If they even make the connection that he ended up here. Maybe they thought he just left. But they wouldn't think that, right?

 

He slaps his hand against his forehead and pulls his phone out of his pocket. Bless modern technology. He dials Caitlin because she always has her phone at hand in contrast to Barry and Harry who always lose theirs.

 

She answers after the second ring. Jesse has crawled over to Cisco and looks at him with big eyes.

 

“Hi, Cisco. Where are you?” Caitlin says with an alarmed voice. So they noticed he's gone.

 

“I'm with Jesse, you gotta track my phone, I have no id-”

 

Zoom crashes the phone in one hand. Jesse and Cisco fall backwards and try to get away from him.

 

“You again,” Zoom says, voice distorted under the mask. He grips Cisco at the throat and pulls him up. Cisco thinks he's going to die now. Again. And this time it's gonna be for real. He can remember the pain. He cannot remember what happened after. Either there is nothing or it's nothing he could remember. He really doesn't want to find out now.

 

But Zoom doesn't kill him. He sets him down again and pulls of the mask. Jay has questions written all over his face.

 

“You're not like Reverb,” He says. “I can see the speed force. All around you.”

 

Jay gestures to the air around Cisco who doesn't know what he is talking about, still trying to fill his lungs with air again. Jay stalks around him like he's a particular interesting exhibit.

 

“The speed force?” Cisco gets out. What has the speed force to do with anything? He's not a speedster. His powers are definitely not granted by the speed force. Jay might have simply lost his mind. Not the first time that thought has crossed Cisco's mind.

 

“Look,” Jay snaps and makes a harsh gesture. Cisco follows the movement of his arm, a flash of blue light, electricity dancing behind, leaving a pattern in the air that is like nothing Cisco has ever seen before. It's like a system of slim roots or veins through which the electricity travels. The speed force, Cisco realizes. The pattern slowly fades from view. Jay now swishes his hand next to Cisco's head, revealing more of the pattern. But this time it doesn't fade after Jay's blue energy has left the system. There is a bright white light flickering, dancing through the veins around him. And he has seen it before as his guiding light through the multiverse on his first drug-induced trip.

 

Jay looks at him as if he expects an explanation. But Cisco doesn't know what to tell him. Apparently the speed force is accompanying him, he doesn't know why, he doesn't know how. He only shrugs.

 

“Whatever that means,” Jay says pacing around the tiny cell. “I'm going to let you live. You know how they say, don't anger the gods.”

 

He phases through the glass and goes to work in a different corner of the warehouse. Cisco drops to his knees, the white light finally fading away around him. Jesse comes over to him and lays a warm hand on his arm.

 

The first day passes slowly. It's excruciating. They don't talk while Zoom is around. Cisco tries to find out what he is doing but he can't make anything out in the distance. He looks like he is reading through files and books, taking down notes. He brings them food from time to time. The rest of the time he ignores them. He doesn't even ask Cisco where Barry and the rest are, probably sure that they won't be able to one up him again.

 

When Zoom is gone the shaking in Cisco's hands stops and the worry starts. At least he can't kill Cisco's friends when he's here. He looks at Jesse who has been imprisoned for months and she's so young that it breaks his heart. Often times there is nothing behind her eyes, her gaze turned inward. Other times she shifts restlessly. She seems more irritated by Cisco at first, having to get used to company again. Loneliness must have ground her until there was nothing left but her skeleton. Cisco feels like what he sees right now is just the shadow of a girl.

 

There are conversations though. Cisco tells her about the world he comes from, about his work, about Team Flash. She tells him about her childhood, about her mother, about how she was the youngest person to ever enroll in her university (she had been 14). What's the damage with your dad, he asks her one time and it makes her laugh. Do you think they'll save us, she asks him and he tells her, yes, yes of course.

 

Cisco looses track of time. He doesn't know if it has been two days or two weeks. There are long intervals of boredom separated by episodes of horror and panic. Cisco thinks he might die here anyway even if Zoom doesn't kill him. He can't see how this is supposed to turn out well. He and Jesse sleep back to back as if that would help them in this helpless state. When Jesse asks him to tell a story he recounts hit TV shows that don't exist on Earth-2. She likes Star Trek a lot and he promises her that they'll watch it together sometime.

 

His sleep is light and a rush of images he can't hold onto.

 

When the rescue comes he thinks he's still asleep.

 

Caitlin rigs up something that makes the glass of the cell go flying to every direction. Cisco covers Jesse with his body. Than there is Harry catching both of them in an embrace, one in each arm. Cisco feels numb. Jesse is shivering next to him.

 

Then Barry is dragging him to his feet and Caitlin is at his other side. He notices that Caitlin is crying but she smiles. There halfway to the door when Zoom appears, throwing down the lifeless body of Killer Frost but Cisco doesn't have the time to process what he sees. Cisco doesn't think. He just turns and pushes Barry and Caitlin, pushes them away from Zoom, away from hurt and danger. He follows their vibrations while the drift out of this world. They'll be safe. There bodies know where they belong, they'll find their way home.

 

Zoom cries out, a screeching sound. Cisco moves still not feeling anything but a tingling sensation all over his body, like energy flowing through him. He gets between Harry and Jesse and Zoom. Harry wants to pull him back but he shrugs the hand off. Zoom doesn't move, just watches him. It almost looks as if he is scared.

 

When Cisco struggled with bullies in school is grandma told him to close his eyes and imagine they were not there. Kind of a bullshit advice. Cisco closes his eyes and imagines nothingness where Zoom is standing. He opens his eyes again, and Zoom is gone.

 

He want's to exhale but the air gets stuck somewhere in his throat. There is blood on his hands. He follows it to its source, pressing a hand against his nose. There is pain, too, ripping him apart. He stumbles, his vision going black at the edges. He's shaking now, uncontrollably. The last thing he sees is Jesse and Harry leaning over him.

 

For a while there is nothing.

 

And then a white light. He follows it. At some point he notices that he's climbing a mountain. The top is still far away. Clouds are drifting around him. He goes on. He doesn't seem to get tired. A house comes in sight, a pagoda with a green roof. He slips inside, wandering through large empty rooms. There is no one. He comes to the last room. One side is open, sunlight streaming inside, a breathtaking view over a cliff. A man sits on the edge, long dark hair braided down his back, wearing yellow-orange garments. The man gets up and turns around.

 

Cisco looks into his own face.

 

“Hello, Cisco,” The other Cisco says.

 

“Am I dead?” Cisco asks.

 

The other Cisco laughs and shakes his head. He can't be older than Cisco but he looks more mature, more powerful, yet lighthearted.

 

“This is a place different from the universes you have visited before,” The other Cisco explains. “You came here to heal.”

 

The other Cisco gestures for him to sit, and they do, dangling their feet over the cliff. Deep down under him he can guess a forest covered in mist.

 

“So what's your deal?” Cisco asks.

 

“I'm just a careful watcher.” He says. “I come from a world that is very different from yours. I was raised with these powers. Do you know that we, you and I and all the others of us, are often the pivot points of our universes? If you will ever be able to access your full power, you could change the laws of time and space. You could bring havoc to the multiverse. No matter what your intentions. My responsibility is to prevent that from happening. Though we may be powerful there are certain rules that we should follow to not disturb the fragile balance of nature.”

 

“Nature,” Cisco huffs and rolls his eyes.

 

“You know the repercussions of going back in time and changing a timeline. Know it with your whole body, I suppose. So you understand that there is something that needs to stay intact, no matter what you call it.”

 

Cisco considers it. He doesn't know what to do with it yet, or why he's being told this. But he feels like he can entertain the thought, because he has the time and the calm and suddenly he realizes how on edge he has been for months now. Always chasing bad guys or being chased. One punch after the other. He takes a deep breath. Nothing feels real here. And he lets go. Relaxes. And considers the thought.

 

“Are you telling me this because of what I did. With Zoom? Whatever I did there.” Cisco asks.

 

“No, until now you're not powerful enough to seriously compromise the balance. Right now all you can do is hurt yourself. You should be more cautious. Your body needs time to learn. If you go too fast, it will be your end.”

 

“I didn't have a choice,” Cisco says and he knows he did the right thing. “It was either me or them. I had to save them.”

 

“Very noble.” The other Cisco smiles sadly. “Take care of yourself. Especially this.” He places a hand over his heart. “I know how it works, how easily it forgives, how prone it is to love. Don't loose that, don't let them harden it. It's your true strength.”

 

Cisco looks away, gaze gliding over the empty room, finding nothing to catch his eye. He is alone here with himself and his thoughts.

 

“Go to sleep now,” His voices drifts to him and he realizes he's lying on the ground on a soft mattress. He lets sleep wash over him like a wave.

 

He wakes up from time to time like resurfacing from deep waters for a breath of air. He feels himself healing, resting. The fatigue that had settled deep in his bones slowly fading. His doppelganger is always there in his peripheral view, not intruding just there, a calming presence. One time Cisco gets up and follows his double through corridors until they reach a hidden garden, stones and shrubs and soft lightning, and he listens to his own voice telling him about destinies and prophecies and he doesn't know if he should believe a single word or if this is just a fever dream. When they part the other Cisco hugs him and it is like holding a comet in your arms still hurtling to a destination unknown. Cisco wonders if he feels like that, too, so unstoppable, so dangerously close to burning out.

 

The next time he wakes up, it's to warm light and white sheets and a soft bed. He slowly regains awareness of his body, still heavy with sleep. He rolls on his side and buries his face in the pillow. He doesn't know where he is but he doesn't really care, he feels warm and safe and that's enough for him right now.

 

There is the creak of a door and blinks against the light to see Jesse standing in the door frame. She looks much cleaner than last time he notices. Her eyes get wide then she calls behind her back. There are steps coming down the hallway and Harry appears behind Jesse. They're both smiling and it's not a look Cisco is used to from the Wells but decides he likes it a lot. Especially when it's directed at him.

 

“How do you feel?” Jesse asks finally coming to his side.

 

“Like a truck rolled over me,” Cisco answers. “But like a normal sized truck, not a monster truck. I'll be alright.” He doesn't know when he got in the habit of making his every sentence directed at Jesse one of reassurance. (He knows.)

 

Jesse lingers for a moment to brush a strand of hair out of his face. Then she leaves the room with a pointed look at her father. Cisco doesn't try to understand it. Harry comes to sit down at Cisco's side in a reversal of their position from a night that can't be that long ago. He says nothing for a long time, just looking at Cisco as if he is searching for something in his face. Cisco thinks he might blush if he wasn't half asleep still, covered under thick blankets and so awful comfortable. He can handle a bit of weird starring.

 

“So, Barry and Caitlin?” Harry says, finally looking away if only for a second.

 

Cisco reaches out for them, and smiles when he finds them where they're supposed to be.

 

“Safe and sound on Earth-1,” He says.

 

“You mean Earth-2,” Harry says but it doesn't sound as sharp when it comes out between a smile. Cisco grins back. Harry extends his hand to ruffle his hair.

 

“Hero of the day,” Harry says quietly. “Do I get to be mad at you that you nearly killed yourself?”

 

“Nope,” Cisco says. “No one gets to be mad. I make the rules and I say we all forgive each other for stupid things that might have been done or _said_.”

 

Harry looks vaguely guilty, twisting Cisco's hair around his fingers. “Deal. Though my point still stands.”

 

Cisco shushes him, not quite ready to go back to arguing with Harry, not even sure what point Harry is referring to. He closes his eyes and feels Harry tugging at the hair behind his ear. This is way better than arguing. If he doesn't pay attention he might start purring like a cat. They're all safe. They rescued Jesse. They did it. Whatever happened to Zoom, he is not here right now. So Cisco allows himself to feel this victory, to feel good, to be happy.

 

“Where are we anyway,” Cisco asks without opening his eyes.

 

“At my home. Well, at my parent's home,” Harry murmurs. “The public doesn't really know about them and I hope Zoom doesn't either.”

 

He pulls away and Cisco makes a displeased sound that he'll probably be embarrassed about in ten minutes. He opens his eyes just in time to catch an expression on Harry's face that conveys more emotions than it ever does with things that don't concern Jesse. There is something lodged in Cisco's chest, has been there for a while now, coming alive in moments like these.

 

“You can take a shower,” Harry says, grim face back on and nods to a door on the other side of the room. “Food is downstairs.”

 

Cisco watches Harry's back as he leaves the room. He admits to himself that there is this thing that he has to figure out. But he's got time. There is no rush. He's gonna deal with the thing later.

 

He's just about to bury his head back in the pillows when Harry pokes his head back in the room.

 

“If you need fresh clothes, there are some in the drawer over there.”

 

With that he's gone again. Cisco decides he should get up and get something in his stomach. And some caffeine in his system.

 

Freshly showered and in a sweater that looks suspiciously like one of Harry's (it is) he goes downstairs. The house is nice, rural just like the view he catches through the windows: trees and hills. He follows the low murmur of voices to the kitchen. Harry and Jesse are sitting at a wooden table immersed in a conversation. Cisco stops at the door for a moment to watch them, they way Harry's eyes go soft when he looks at Jesse, and yes, there is the thing again he doesn't want to deal with right now, fluttering in his chest like a bird caught there.

 

He knocks against the door frame and enters the room. Jesse turns to look at him and a grin spreads across her face.

 

“Nice sweater,” she says and there is that devilish gleam in her eyes, that cutting edge and yeah, she's clearly her father's daughter.

 

Cisco squirms under her look, suddenly feeling very self-conscious, barefoot and open like a book. He shuffles around to escape her gaze and whatever she thinks she can read in him.

 

“Coffee's here,” Harry says and saves him.

 

Cisco sits down next to Jesse so he doesn't have to look her in the face. Except now he has to look at Harry, which is slightly worse because he got that weird look on his face ever since Cisco turned up in his sweater. Cisco opts for filling a cup that was probably placed on the table especially for him with coffee. Jesse leans over to him and presses her cheek against his arm.

 

“It's good to see you up and around again,” She says. “You really scared us.”

 

“Was it that bad?”

 

“Yes,” Harry says simply without looking at him.

 

“You were bleeding from every opening in your head,” Jesse says frowning at the memory. “It was disgusting.”

 

Cisco thinks about how he hadn't found any blood on his face and who must have scrubbed it off.

 

“You were unconscious for three days,” Jesse continues. “I swear to god, Cisco. If you would have died on me after we escaped that hell, I would have brought you back from the dead just to kill you myself.”

 

“Oh god, take a breath,” Cisco holds a hand in front of Jesse's face that has been inching closer with every word, but he's smiling. “Lucky for you I'm fluent enough in Well's terminology to understand that as an expression of your concern for me.”

 

“You better,” She says and backs off.

 

Then she goes off in a flurry to prepare him something to eat. Cisco thinks he hasn't seen her sit still for one second today. She makes him choose between pancakes and spaghetti and he opts for pancakes even if it's 3 in the afternoon. Harry watches them over the rim of his glasses and says nothing. Jesse is talking while she is mixing the dough, turning on the stove and searching a pan between movements. Nothing of importance just parts of stories of summers spent in this house (many), and what she has been doing while Cisco was unconscious (not so much), and where her grandparents went (the market). When she finally sets down the filled plate in front of Cisco he grabs her wrist and pulls her down on a chair before she can get away.

 

That's how Harry's parent find them, sitting around the table, not talking much just breathing in the company of each other and the calm. Jesse darts away again to hug her grandmother and take the bags out of her grandfather's hands. They're old, of course, and he fits better in the rural house than her. She is leaner, more like Harry who looks misplaced between flower pots and plaited cushions.

 

She comes to Cisco who gets up from his chair and kisses him on both cheeks. “Hello Cisco. You're awake. Good. And I've seen you've eaten. Better.”

 

“Hi, nice to meet you,” Cisco mumbles with her hands still framing his face.

 

“Oh, yes. Well we met you already, but you have a much healthier color now,” She says with a twinkle in her eyes. “Nasty things, allergies. I'm Lizzy, by the way.”

 

Her husband chuckles behind her. “No one has called you Lizzy since you were 20, darling.”

 

“Let me have this one thing.” She grins up at Cisco than steps aside so her husband can shake his hand.

 

“I'm Timothy, but call me Tim,” His handshake is firm but he looks laid back, speaking slowly as if he has all the time in the world. “It's nice that Harrison brought you around.”

 

Cisco can hear Harry making an aborted noise that he knows means 'for the love of god, please stop'. He grins brightly at Tim. Oh, how great it is to be with people that make Harry restrain his asshole behavior.

 

“So, you work at STAR Labs, too?” Tim asks while Lizzy and Jesse shuffle around to unpack the shopping bags.

 

“Yeah,” Cisco says with a look at Harry, slowly catching on that he probably hadn't introduced Cisco as a dimension traveling metahuman who helped him save Jesse's life. The way he knows Harry, his parents probably know nothing about what he's been up to in the last few months.

 

The day passes without much excitement. Cisco takes a nap just because he can in what – he slowly starts to realize – is Harry's childhood room. He spends half an hour going through the bookshelf, most of it stuff a teenager shouldn't be reading, but between all the science books there is also some classic and pop literature and Cisco thinks he might be having a stroke when he finds a copy of Slaughterroom 7 by Karl Vonnegut but it's probably just an Earth-2 thing.

 

When he comes downstairs again Harry and Lizzy are having a yelling match about the best time to sow carrots, Harry being of the opinion that Lizzy has done it way to early this year. It's domestic in a way Cisco hasn't had in years.

 

“I didn't know he has an opinion on gardening,” Cisco says to Jesse who leans against a wall and watches her family.

 

“Believe me, he has so many opinions about gardening,” She says rolling her eyes.

 

It gets awkward over dinner.

 

“And how long have you been dating?” Lizzy wants to know.

 

Cisco almost drops his knife. She looks curiously from him to Harry who looks like his brain simply stopped working which would be a first.

 

“Harrison never tells me anything,” Lizzy tells Cisco about her troubles while Jesse is hiding her face in her plate. “But I'm glad he found a so good looking young man.”

 

“Mother,” Harry says finally. “I said we're colleagues.”

 

“He thinks I'm stupid, you know,” Lizzy continues as if she didn't hear Harry. “Just like when he told me Marc would come over to study. I may be old but I'm not blind.”

 

“Oh my god, dad,” Jesse says in a delighted outrage. “Why don't I know about this.”

 

“Please,” Harry says with that face that says 'Why are people like that?'. “I'm not- We're not-”

 

“I think it's a good sign that you're moving on from Tess,” Tim says now. “It's healthy.”

 

Cisco's shock turns gradually into joy. This is some quality information he is getting here. He turns to Harry with a wide smile. “You're never gonna live this down.”

 

Harry has a pained expression on his face. “Mom, please don't enable him.”

 

“So, this Marc was a school friend?” Cisco asks turning back to Lizzy who delves into a long story about Harry's youth including highlights like apparently not-so-secret boyfriends, the disaster of high school prom and the one time Harry set the house on fire, and Cisco and Jesse are soaking in every word. Harry goes from silently raging to accepting his situation to doing the dishes. At some point Lizzy gets out the photo albums and Cisco thinks he's in heaven. He asks Lizzy if he can get one of the photos and she looks at him like he hung the moon.

 

He decides for one where Harry is younger, maybe even younger than Cisco is now, surrounded by books and papers, brooding over something and throwing a 'don't disturb me' look into the camera that Cisco knows all to well.

 

This night there is a knock on his door and in the moon light that falls through the window Jesse creeps into the room. She slips under the covers and curls up next to Cisco, cold feet brushing against his calves.

 

“I can't sleep,” She whispers. “Please don't tell my dad, he'll only worry.”

 

“That's his job,” Cisco murmurs trying to fight the sleep still clinging to him.

 

“You have to promise, okay,” Jesse says poking him in the ribs.

 

“Okay, yes, I promise,” Cisco replies. After a while he adds: “Are you having nightmares.”

 

“Sometimes.” He can feel her shrug. “But that's not so bad, I wake up again. It's just- the bed is so soft, you know. I guess I'm not used to it anymore.”

 

Once again Cisco almost drifts off to sleep until Jesse pokes him again. He makes a disgruntled noise.

 

“Why did you come to me?” She asks. “When Zoom had me.”

 

“I don't know,” Cisco mumbles. “Just happened. I wanted to help you.”

 

“Why?”

 

He hears the urgency in her voice and forces his eyes open. Her face is pale, dark shadows forming valleys and deep lines. Cisco thinks about her question.

 

“You needed help. I could help you. So I did.”

 

“You make it sound so simple,” She huffs out.

 

“Go to sleep, Jesse.”

 

They sleep back to back.

 

The next day summer arrives. They sit outside in t-shirts and soak in the sun. Harry has his eyes closed, no glasses, and looks relaxed, almost peaceful, the lines on his face created by worry still visible but less than most days. Jesse has kicked her feet up on Cisco's legs and hums. Birds are singing, wind rustling through the trees. It's a beautiful day. It makes Cisco's heart swell. It's the first time in a while that he doesn't hear the never-ending roar of the matter around him, like the backdrop of the universe.

 

Reality comes crushing in soon enough.

 

“We should be prepared,” Harry says and opens his eyes again. “If Zoom shows up again.”

 

Jesse goes still. Cisco looks over to her but she doesn't look scared, she looks ready. Harry rubs his hands over his face and then gives them a tight smile.

 

“It's been a good couple of days but we shouldn't let our guard down.”

 

“What are we gonna do?” Jesse asks.

 

“If I knew that.” Harry sighs. “After all this time we still don't know how to stop Zoom.”

 

“Maybe we should go back to Earth-1,” Cisco says. “Barry is still the best chance we got. And I'm pretty sure I could open a portal. That's how I got to Jesse.” The tissue between the worlds has been feeling frighteningly thin the last couple of days. It would be easy to tear it open, to free a way for them.

 

Harry looks at him a bit irritated.

 

“What? You don't want to go to Earth-1?”

 

“No, that's not it.” He exchanges a look with Jesse.

 

“So, Barry is your Flash, right?” Jesse asks. “I don't know about you but I think running very fast doesn't sound as powerful as manipulating the universe.”

 

Cisco hesitates. He can hear Reverb again. _We could be gods._ He shivers.

 

“I can't even control it,” He says. “Not even the most simple things. That's not good enough to take down Zoom. And he's not just running very fast.”

 

“You can apparently control it enough to open a portal to another universe,” Harry says slipping into the phantom of their old arguing style. “I don't want to push you, believe me. Call me a happy man if I never have so you bleeding out in front of me again. But this is about something else. Maybe it's not that you cannot do it but that you don't want to do it.”

 

Cisco looks down at his hands. There is a hole opening up inside him, threatening to swallow him whole. He gave too much already, he did everything he was afraid of, became what he didn't want to become and he almost died saving Jesse. And he isn't complaining, he wouldn't change a thing even if he could, he wouldn't have forgiven himself if Jesse got hurt or worse and he hadn't done everything in his power to prevent that. But now they're asking him to go even further, and one part of him wants to as well, wants to protect his friends and if it kills him. But he's just giving and giving and compromising more and more and more, and he doesn't know where this is supposed to end. (He doesn't know what scares him more: That he might become like Reverb or his willingness to sacrifice himself for his friends.)

 

He knows what Harry wants to hear and he doesn't even resent him for it. It's the logical thing to do, it's the right thing to do, probably, Cisco has lost track of where they are right now on the patchwork of morale grays. He knows he should do it because he can, but a childish voice inside him is making him refuse. He knows that his fears aren't selfish. That he shouldn't martyr himself. Except that if he doesn't they'll probably all die.

 

“You're not going to be like him,” Harry interrupts his thoughts. “Just like Caitlin is not like Killer Frost.”

 

“How can you be so sure?”

 

“Because I know you, Cisco.” Harry sounds so confident, so self-assured that Cisco wants to believe him, wants nothing more.

 

“Even if I could stop Zoom,” He shakes his head. “I'm not a hero like Barry.”

 

“You're a hero to me,” Jesse says quietly and it breaks Cisco's heart to see her look up to him like that, knowing he will never be the man she sees in him.

 

“I don't want to be,” Cisco says. “They never ask about the price you have to pay. Who knows what this will cost me? There are things I'm not willing to give up. I don't want to die, for one.” He knows that he's talking himself into a rage but he can't stop. He doesn't want these powers, he doesn't want this responsibility. He didn't ask for _this_. (He really didn't.)

 

“I'm so tired of it. That it always has to be us to save the world. Or even multiple worlds. I'd really love to share the honor. I just want some fucking peace of mind and not die.”

 

 _Don't make me do this._ He says it to Harry. He says it to Jesse. To Barry and Caitlin. He says it to himself. _Don't make me do this. Please._

 

“Okay, we'll find another way if you don't want to do it,” Harry says leaning forward. “Let's go back to Earth-1 and figure this out.”

 

“Alright,” Cisco takes a deep breath. “Alright. Good.” He calms down again but he can't look Jesse in the face. She must be disappointed in him. But he's no hero. Never wanted to be one.

 

The day goes on just slightly tinted by that conversation. They don't talk about it again. Instead Jesse takes Cisco on a walk to her favorite spot in the forest behind the house: a green patch of grass next to a small, clear river. Tim makes Cisco look under the hood of his car because he has been having trouble and Harry will never help because fixing a normal car is boring. (Awful, Cisco thinks. What an awful person.)

 

After dinner they sit in the living room, talking and playing cards when Lizzy gets up.

 

“Let's give you two some space.”

 

Suddenly Cisco is alone with Harry who tries to look mad at his mother but fails.

 

“I would say I'm sorry if you weren't enjoying this situation thoroughly.”

 

“It's just a bit weird,” Cisco admits. “Especially that their assumption is based on the fact that they don't believe you'd have a friend.” Somehow he has drifted closer to Harry and he can't remember who closed the distance.

 

“What I said back then,” Harry starts. “About not wanting your friendship. That isn't true. I'm sorry.”

 

“I know,” Cisco says.

 

There is moment of silence. Harry looks like he wants to say something but doesn't know how to. It's glorious to watch Harry struggle for words. Cisco sways between wanting to help him out and enjoying the sight too much.

 

Cisco's smile must betray his thoughts because Harry's face scrunches up annoyed in that way that seems to be reserved for Cisco.

 

“Cisco,” He says. It sounds like stop. And like always when it comes to Harry Cisco understands just the opposite. He puts his hands on Harry's chest and steps even closer.

 

“Let's not have chased your family out of their living room for nothing.”

 

He's half joking, half hoping. Harry looks like he's about to laugh, too, but at the verge of hysterics and Cisco can feel his heart speeding up under Cisco's hand.

 

“I'm not imagining this, right?” Cisco asks.

 

“No.” Harry lifts a hand. Cisco follows it with his eyes until fingers settle lightly over his lips. His mouth drops open and he takes a shaking breath. Harry looks mesmerized as he strokes his thumb over Cisco's bottom lip.

 

Cisco thinks that maybe this shouldn't wait, that it has to be figured out right now. He feels open and raw being looked at like this. It makes his hands tremble, sends shivers down his spine. Harry lets his fingers wander down his cheek, over his jaw, down his neck, and it's driving Cisco crazy. The soft touch of fingertips alone is enough to take him apart, to make him go weak in the knees. It makes his head spin, and Harry is only tugging at the collar of his shirt, rubbing the fabric between his fingers.

 

“Fucking tease,” Cisco breathes.

 

Then there are hands in his hair and Harry is kissing him, slowly but with intent. Cisco pulls him closer until they're chest against chest. He's up on his toes and Harry is tugging at his hair until he's got Cisco at the angle he wants. And it's good, it's so good Cisco thinks he might loose his mind. He only feels Harry's lips, warm and soft, he feels like he is floating.

 

He pushes until he has enough control that he can kiss down Harry's neck though Harry doesn't seem to be content with it, pulling him back up to kiss his lips. He hits against Harry's glasses and Harry pulls away long enough to discard them. Cisco is already shoving his hands under Harry's shirt and walking him backwards to the couch when Harry stops them.

 

“We're not going to fuck in my parents house. I'm not 17 anymore.”

 

Cisco whines and bites Harry's shoulder. “Fucking tease,” He repeats.

 

Harry chuckles and kisses him again, two, three times and Cisco melts in his arms. The excitement dies down and gets replaced by a quiet content and warmth in his chest. He lays his head against Harry's chest and closes his eyes. Harry hums and sways him in his arms. He could really get used to this.

 

They fall into bed together but Cisco doesn't try to start anything again, suddenly way too tired to do more than snuggle up to Harry, foreheads pressed together, sharing breath. This feels intimate, and it should be too much too quick but of course it is like this with Harry. He never does things halfway, of course it would be all or nothing with him and Cisco loves it. It feels naturally, like he slips into a place by Harry's side that was always there for him. He falls asleep thinking that he hasn't felt this safe in ages.

 

This night Cisco doesn't wake up when Jesse comes into the room. The next morning he finds her lying beside him covered with a half of his blanket and half of Harry's blanket. She lies on her belly and snores. He flicks his finger against her nose and she startles awake. From her turning and twisting to get back at Cisco Harry wakes up, too.

 

“Well, this hasn't happened in over ten years,” He says sleepy but with a smile.

 

Jesse kicks a feet in Cisco's gut and grins at her father. “Morning, dad. You took my place.”

 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

 

Cisco hides his smile in his pillow and his heart feels like it's going to explode.

 

They pack to go back to Earth-1. Jesse is over-excited by the prospect of a whole new world. The farewell from Harry's parents is short but affectionate. Cisco tries not to think about how they might never see their son and granddaughter again. He tries not think about the stakes. About what they're facing.

 

They park the van a mile down the road to open the portal. It's even easier than Cisco has thought. He feels strong and rested. It takes him barely a flick of the wrist. Harry and Jesse follow him tentatively into the pulsing portal. He tells them not to look to closely, not to stop. Nothing they would see here would be the truth, not their truth anyway. Just as they are a few steps into the space between the worlds Cisco can feel something stir.

 

No, he thinks. This cannot be. He has not felt anything all this time. He should have known when Zoom had come back. But that doesn't matter anymore. He must have noticed them opening the portal. All Cisco can do now is run, and he yells it to the others behind him. _Run. Zoom is coming._

 

It's not a long way. Luckily. The arrive at the cortex, stumble right into Caitlins' and Barrys' arms. Cisco can see Joe with a surprised look on his face before he turns around to close the portal. But it's too late. Zoom snarls at him and lands a punch. Cisco goes flying. He hits the ground hard.

 

“You,” Zoom screeches and all Cisco has to time to think is, great, I've provoked the personal vendetta of a super villain. Then Zoom is there and picks him up again, going into super speed to dumb him into the Atlantic ocean or an active volcano or something along those lines.

 

He doesn't even get a last look at his friends. Cisco feels the air rushing around him and knows what he has to do. He opens a rift and Zoom is running into the blinking void between worlds. It's not a portal, a safe passage but just the nothingness that engulfs them now. Cisco can hear Zoom scream, can hear Jay scream, knows that the human body is not made to exist here.

 

It's over in a matter of seconds, a silent explosion and then there is only ripples of residual speed force left in the void, white and blue sparks dancing around each other.

 

 

 

 

Everything happens so quickly. They are still standing in stunned silence when Barry tumbles back.

 

“He's gone. They're gone.”

 

No one says anything. The knot in Harry's gut does not resolve, there is nothing, no relive, no anger, no sadness, just the feeling hat Zoom could turn up any second to snatch the next person.

 

But it does not happen.

 

Jesse comes over to him and lays a hand over one of his, clenched at his side as if he is ready for a fight. He shutters. Slowly his surroundings pour back in. Caitlin is sitting down. Joe is keeping Barry upright.

 

“I think they left this earth,” Barry mumbles. “They were suddenly gone – just gone.”

 

Harry looks down in his daughter's face. There are tears in her eyes.

 

“He'll find his way back home.” Her voice is steady and sure. Harry wants to say that maybe Cisco is not just lost. Maybe Cisco is-

 

Caitlin comes over to them, leaning instinctively close to Harry and smiles absently. “Jesse, right? It's good to see you.” There are tears pooling in her eyes now. “I'm Caitlin.”

 

“Hi Caitlin,” Jesse answers with a strangled voice and a quivering smile.

 

The girls hug and Harry watches them and it is simply not getting through to him what just happened, what this means, for them, for him. He puts a hand on Jesse's shoulder to comfort her or to hold himself up, he does not know.

 

Harry does not remember the rest of the day.

 

For about a week they live with the constant fear that Zoom and the bitter hope that Cisco will come back. After that time no one says anything but it seems certain that neither of them will return. Or at least it does for Harry. The others seem caught in that stasis of waiting. Harry knows that state, knows that you can get caught up, stuck in it for the rest of your life. He remembers the nights he stayed up waiting for his wife to knock on the door of the home they built. She never did.

 

He learned not to hide from the pain. He accepts the grief, knows it all too well, the shape, the taste, the smell. He does not know how he handles it, but he does. For Jesse.

 

He helps Team Flash, fills Cisco's spot, so he has something to do, anything, to keep his mind occupied on those never-ending nights. He and Jesse are stuck on this earth so there is not much else to do anyway.

 

Jesse gets worse from day to day. The breakdown that she had fought teeth and nails after her rescue from Zoom comes now with twice the force. Most of the days she does not leave the bed. Caitlin and Iris take turns cooking for her. Harry sits by her bedside whenever he is not needed and Jesse allows it. Mostly she wants to be left alone.

 

Harry often thinks about what he would have wanted, what he had wanted from Cisco, from that thing between them. He had been hesitant to really think about it on Earth-2, Jesse still in imminent danger (different from the danger she is in now in that he could do something about it back then), and it all so far from becoming something real, not just glances and words that could be taken any way.

 

He would be lying if he says he had not hoped it would grow into something more, had wanted it, if he is honest with himself. It is redundant to think of it now, Harry knows but the thought of _what if_ haunts him through night and day. He had been on the cusp of something beautiful, something he had denied himself a long time, something exciting and important. To have it torn away, to have Cisco torn away right out of his arms is- He knows this hell. Knows it all to well.

 

It seems to be Zoom's last triumph over them.

 

Barry still catches big bad metahumans and Central City rejoices that their hero has returned, but his heart is not in it. Harry remembers that this used to be fun, that he had enjoyed working with them in spite of himself. Now they are all just going through the motions. Harry cannot stand to look Caitlin in the face anymore. It is an open wound. It is a mirror Harry is scared to look into.

 

Because Cisco had shook something loose in him, freed him from a weight he did not even know he was carrying. He had been happy with Cisco. It had been easy with Cisco, their back and forth a well-practiced dance, a routine they slipped into without questions. There had always been an underlying understanding though they were so different. No matter how complicated things may have become, Cisco had always been there, and right and easy in a way Harry had not thought he would experience ever again.

 

Yes, Harry knows heartbreak. Does not mean he got used to it.

 

A month later Harry is in the cortex with Caitlin while Barry is out on a mission. There is a crackling in the air, and a smell Harry recognizes instantly. It is a portal being opened. Caitlin asks him something but he does not hear her. He is starring at the air where a blue tear appears. It widens until it is big enough for the man to get out. Harry thinks he is seeing a ghost.

 

He is out of his chair before Caitlin yells for Barry to come back.

 

Cisco wears a troubled expression that shifts into one of his wide smiles when he sees them. Harry wraps his arms around him, this close to lifting him from the ground and twirling him around. This is real, he is real, Harry thinks over and over again. Cisco hugs him back with the same force, a breathless laugh in Harry's ear.

 

Harry pulls away to look at Cisco, framing his face with his hands and searching for something, for injuries, for an explanation.

 

“Hi,” Cisco says quietly.

 

He does not care who sees it, he kisses Cisco because he does not know how to say any of the things he feels, and he knows how desperate he is clutching to Cisco, and how obviously painfully in love he must look but he does not care. And Cisco goes along, pulling him down, holding him close and Harry feels a warmth spread from his chest through his whole body.

 

Someone clears their throat and they part reluctantly. Harry steps back to let Caitlin and Barry hug Cisco, there is a lot of excitement and tears and Harry feels like he is standing beside himself. Caitlin is holding Cisco's hands and Barry has a hand on Cisco's shoulder. This is how it is supposed to be, Harry thinks.

 

“What happened? Where have you been?” Caitlin asks somewhere between laughing and crying.

 

Cisco searches for words. “Zoom died. I got lost.” He throws a quick glance to Harry. “Another earth. Earth-3, I guess.”

 

“You've been gone a month,” Barry says. “We thought- Were you not able to open a portal?”

 

“Oh, no, that wasn't the problem.” Cisco is squirming under the gaze of his worried friends. “Look, I better not tell you. Don't want to influence our timeline.”

 

“That's not how it works,” Barry exclaims.

 

“What made you come back?” Caitlin interrupts Barry.

 

Cisco grins at them. “You. All of you. You're my family and I'll always come back to you.”

 

Not much later Harry drags Cisco out of the room by the wrist. ( _You should go see Jesse._ ) Outside of Jesse's door he stops and turns to look at Cisco. There is that weary expression again and it is driving Harry insane not to know why, what happened to Cisco that made him look like this.

 

But the expression is gone again and Cisco steps closer landing a light kiss on Harry's cheek. Harry closes his eyes.

 

“What took you so long?” He murmurs. He feels Cisco sliding his hands around his waist and his breath on his lips.

 

“I'm sorry,” Cisco whispers.

 

“Don't- I'm not mad,” Harry says. “Just confused.”

 

Cisco kisses him again. Harry knows he does it to distract him but he lets him get away with it. If Cisco does not want to tell him, fine. Right now it is enough to have him here, warm and alive, and to know that he will be here tomorrow and the day after that and so on.

 

“She missed you,” Harry says and pulls Cisco to the door. Cisco gives him one last kiss.

 

“I missed you, too,” He answers with a smile and then slips into Jesse's room.

 

Harry follows after a moment. Cisco is sitting next to Jesse on the bed and hugs her tight. Jesse's eyes are closed and the shock is still visible on her face. Harry notices how skinny she got over the last months, almost disappearing in Cisco's arms. She deserves so much better than this mess of a life, Harry thinks. But when she opens her eyes again to ask Cisco all the questions he has already not answered before she looks happy.

 

 

 

After the third round of drinks at their local bar Caitlin pulls Cisco to the restrooms. Their celebrating Cisco's return with the West family. Even Jesse came along.

 

“These talks would be much easier if you were a girl,” Caitlin sighs while they linger in front of the restroom doors. She's already swaying on her feet but glowing happily.

 

“So what you wanna talk about?” Cisco asks with a fond smile.

 

Caitlin's whole face forms an exclamation point. “What do I-? Excuse me, Cisco Ramon, I didn't know we were just nonchalantly dating Harry Wells now.”

 

“We're not dating,” Cisco appeases her.

 

“Why didn't you tell me?”

 

“It's kind of a recent development.”

 

“Alright,” Caitlin holds up a hand and closes her eyes trying to find her balance. “You're forgiven. I'm happy. You look happy. Good catch, honestly.”

 

“Did I ever tell you that you're amazing when you're drunk?” Cisco says grinning and steadies her with a hand on her elbow.

 

“I'm always amazing,” Caitlin pushes her index finger in his chest. “And so are you.”

 

Cisco smiles grows even wider. He can barely believe how happy he is in this moment. It has been a long way, a never-ending road and it feels like this might just be the start. But still. Who would have thought it would turn into this?

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm finally finished with this monster. I wrote this in the sparse hours I could steal from work probably still riding the NANO high. It started out with the idea of Cisco meeting Harry's parents. And then it got kinda out of hand lmao.
> 
> There are ideas for a sequel and a part about what happened to Cisco in the months he's been gone.
> 
> This is dedicated to all of you whose fanfictions i read and let inspire me while writing.


End file.
